Opinion,

Forgive me for caring

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It’s been a while since I published anything personal, I wrote, but these days I’ve been thinking about modern day relationships, especially among us gays. Us gays in LA. So, the major question is – what makes us gays relationship-ready? Or any other human being in their twenties/thirties in the big city, such as LA? The answer to this complex question is anything but simple, yet we all know the major issues with attachment and responsibility towards the other people. Some may say – stable financial situation, stable job, while others rely on completely compatible and laid-back partner. Most people will prioritize the nature of the partner’s living habits. You would think it’s related to their daily routines, healthy lifestyle, or career-driven personality. And even though it may incorporate all that, it’s more about how your partner appears in social circles. What is the perception of that person when others talk about him, what is the aura he projects in clubs and how careless does he seem in the eyes of others. I’m going to narrow my little experiment to West Hollywood and borrow elements from my years spent observing the DC scene, as well as traveling around the world.

Take basic examples like clothing, dining out, and traveling. Now imagine all that happening in private with no cameras present around. It’s already less desirable and doesn’t sound like an important event, because there’s nobody to witness to it. Yes, I am talking about the fake glam life in LA, where 90% of gay guys would instead pursue a troubled yet visually appealing relationship instead of one where your partner is your friend, confidant, and a lover who listens to you and has your back. And most importantly a partner who can actually help you grow spiritually and push you forward.

It does sound pretty dull and superficial and makes you think – oh, the LGBTQ community has advanced in their understanding of life and world around them. They already understand the troubles of loneliness and lack of empathy. Sadly, it’s completely opposite of that. Look at all the online activism, calling out people who think differently than the majority, in the name of justice and a constant reminder that we should be good people, ready to understand, help, and have each other’s back without putting anyone down. But what good is it when we don’t practice any of that in our private life? Or we practice it very little.

If you are a handsome guy with infectious self confidence that usually doesn’t have anything to be backed up with, you are already ranked higher than the most. It’s infectious and people want to be seen with you. God forbid the FOMO, so you have to be present at every Drag Race watching party, every pool party with dreadful techno music and, of course, put a shirtless selfie from Black Lives Matter protest – because your biceps and veneer smile are genuinely helping the cause.  Your boyfriend is, most of the time, your clone. Or you are his.

So, after you’re done protesting, you’ll visit some nice hotel, spill rose leaves on the bed for Instagram purposes, and after two months of dating, you will write an essay of how deep your love is. So you’re checking all the boxes – public empathy, being handsome, you are so career driven, you have a lot of friends when you go out, your relationship seems perfect, and yet any mention of actual commitment in a healthy way always gets perceived as limiting your own freedom.

If those two months are filled with gifts and trips for show off, the sweeter you get with adjectives you use in your photo captions. And that lasts until you to have a fallout about an unsuccessful orgy or your partner leaves you because – ”It’s not working.” He’s not ready to commit, and it’s not you – it’s him. He needs his personal space, time to work on himself, he’s having mental issues (which are never clearly defined; therefore, you are incapable of helping him). He would love to be with you, but, you know, it’s not fair to you. You’re a great guy, and yes, he would love to be with you, but hey – he is just not ready.

Depending on a person you have two outcomes – he’s already found his next best thing (a very LA thing), a little more stable and financially generous guy or he’s forever single ”not ready for anything serious” so that he can flirt with everyone on any given day, claiming he only wants friends. The truth is, he needs occasional lover at whose place he’ll eat, drink, sleep and have sex every once in a Blue Moon, and it’s usually 2-4 of them he divides his attention to. He’s still thinking that his career is waiting for him (and you become an obstacle to that career path), although almost 4 million actors and models circulate in LA every year. And you know – boyfriend ruins it all. It’s not a good addition to the resume. It’s just not cool. But let’s say that same guy meets an agent or a producer that can help him advance in his career, in that case maybe dating is not such a bad idea. Low key, of course, but side boys are still going to be a thing.

Now, where does that leave good guys who are not picture-perfect, but they love you, support you, and wish you well by actually trying to teach you how to be successful in a long run? Because they are perceived as good guys, they are annoying, and they are always there. Someone’s compassion and dedication are often seen as weakness, despair, and come as a repulsive thing to deal with. It’s boring.

Poster boys with great connections within bougie circles that can fly you to NYC and Miami just for another Instagram photo session are the thing. They will always get the praise. The empathy and true friends, loyal lovers are passé. Nobody cares about that. Or a very limited group of guys in this city. You came to this city with a ”Living la Vida local” motto, and you have to maintain that luxurious actor/model/crazy party boy personality to impress. You came to build a career that often means using others until you reach the stars.

Ghosting, disrespect, not caring about your partner’s or friend’s problems is almost a necessity.  And I mean you’re endangering your self-care process by absorbing other people’s problems. It’s simply not fun. And LA is fun,career,fun,career place.

I’m not going to elaborate the weight issue, but it is hilarious. I moved to this city pretty fit, new meat, plenty of topics to talk about, educated, smart and even though I can’t compete with this Apollonian culture I was noticed. Every gained pound, visible or not, lowered the number of guys interested in me – and I don’t mean sex or relationship. I am talking about a genuine human contact. Not having millions on my bank account is a red flag, although I don’t ask of anyone to pay anything for me. It hurt me in the beginning, I felt like I’m never going to catch up with people. And I shouldn’t. I am me. I may not want to have Hollywood Hills villa with 16 pools, but that doesn’t mean I have no ambitions.

And now let’s go back to what this text really is about. You will be told you’re liked, you will have intimate relationship when your “looking for next best thing” boyfriend wants to, but he will not develop empathy to ask you how are you, he will not just stop by to hug you for 15 minutes just because you’re under the weather. He will rather go and have fun with people who don’t demand too much thinking but will provide you with great insta stories, and he will tell you that he can’t see you on a day he doesn’t have anything planned simply because he’ll come only when he’s bored. Dare to confront – the answer is – “I don’t think this is working”. He’ll disappear create his insta portfolio of living his best life and instead of saying one genuine I’m sorry. He will, however, wait for you to call him to come back. To you it may be a matter of a heart, to him it’s free meal, messing around and a nap. And after that – back home to his virtual reality.

You know that powerful saying -Show a dog a finger, and he wants the whole hand. Same goes for people, gay men, gay couples, gay couples in attempt – the nicer you are, the less walls you put up, the worse you’ll be treated. At the end of the day, a typical man is taught to use its resources. When better one appears on the market – the previous one is past in the matter of seconds.

Oh, and a little update on Covid-19. Most of us had plenty of free time and could organize to see people we care for. When those things get delayed constantly – there’s another person in the story, emotions are not strong, your patience is being tested and you get rubbed in your face how insignificant you actually are. Truth to be told – a person who has some emotions will always find a way to spend some quality time with you. Where there is a will there is a way. Don’t let people lie to you how busy they are. This is the one moment in our lives where we had enough time for everything. And yes, I completely respect the precautionary measures, but one on one contacts in isolation are a good test of someone’s personality.

I am not going to lie, I used my personal experience to depict the injustice of these modern LA dating tricks, which are so unnecessary. I disciplined myself to say “Ok, ok, whatever works for you”, while sometimes I should just yell – “Go to hell!”. Too bad I was raised to respect people I like and love. And let’s not get something confused – of course I don’t think entire population functions like this, but majority sadly does.